The usual picture: the cashier in the store peremptorily states that she has no change, on the roads drivers cut and swear at each other, at work colleagues criticize and deliberately humiliate those who are “weaker”. What is the reason? Opinion of psychologist Natalia Inina.
Why do we have so evil people? Some secretary sits in the reception room, and do not pass through it alive. What’s the matter?
Natalia Inina: This behavior is called neurotic: a person loads the situation at all what it should be in reality. The secretary’s task is to help the boss to organize his time, and not yell at someone. It used to be everywhere, remember any cashier, seller, everyone tried to demonstrate his power in his small place. It can be assumed that these people in life (not necessarily in childhood) were often humiliated, and strength or weakness became the language of their communication: either I give or crush me. This mechanism is called a “projection”: I survived the pain, something is stuck in me, and this slow action bomb begins to function. The mechanism of projection is described by Freud, and this does not always have to do with childhood, he can relate to experienced in adolescence, and in his youth, and even in maturity. “Releasing steam”, a person is experiencing short -term pleasure, relief, but since the true problem is not solved, the situation is maintained. And a person will cling, humiliate, use power in order to recoup. Only when he turns to face the past, when he begins to remember or work with a psychologist the problem that is painful for him, then there is a chance that the projection mechanism will be stopped. But, unfortunately, these people rarely seek help from specialists.
And what to do in such a situation to the victim? Often he is forced to continue to communicate with the one who offended him.
N. AND.: You know, as they say, they are not offended by patients: you cannot react to people who are inadequate. Take a psychiatrist: for example, his patients are accused that he stole their money, he will not take it seriously. For him, this will be evidence of pathology, he will take a detached position. Of course, the difference between us from a psychiatrist is that we are not ready for this kind of behavior, but I can not advise anything else here.
There is such a marker: behavior in the elevator. What are the inhabitants of our country do, going into the elevator with a stranger? They get into the phone, turn their backs and insert the headphones into the ears. In Europe – greet and say a couple of friendly phrases.
N. AND.: There are many different aspects here. Firstly, the elevator is a situation that is aggressive in itself. Each person should have a personal space where the other is not included, and the elevator is a priori violation of this space. Pay attention: in the elevator people, as a rule, do not look into each other’s eyes, because it enhances the feeling of violation of this space. Instinctively, a person demonstrates another way out of contact. If we take the second level of the problem, it is clear that in our country there were 70 years of Soviet power and after that-the difficult 90s. Here I will quote the theory about the influence of culture on the formation of the personality of Leo Vygotsky, historically we have developed a very high level of suppressed aggression, anxiety, tension. In Europe, there was no such many years of suppression of personality and freedom, many years of humiliation of dignity. You see, Moses drove Jews in the desert for 40 years so that they would forget slavery, so that new people would be born, probably we need to be patient. On the other hand, it is necessary to enlighten and increase the level of education and culture of our fellow citizens. And a cultural person will never be a fanatic, aggressor, power lover.
We have many painfully shy people who mask their shyness with arrogance. And this is from what?
N. AND.: If we talk about adults, then, rather, we are not talking about shyness, but about tension. People subconsciously expect trouble: we are brought up by our country, where, with such a shaking and not always working law, everything can be expected. It is enough to see how Europeans and Russians behave at passport control: ours are very tense, a scandal or clarification can begin who is the first and who is the last. Another line is shy children. In our culture, the tendency to put pressure on the child, demand subordination from him, laugh at the proposal to respect him is quite pronounced. Respect, you laugh or something? He should, as a soldier, correspond to what I want and say. Of course, such a child is depressed, he is afraid, he is compressed, the boys go into hidden aggression, girls – into shyness. Children’s shyness and inability to behave very much connected with fright, awkwardness, lack of experience. Add how teachers in kindergartens can behave to the behavior of parents, teachers allow themselves to behave in the same way, in particular, to pronounce it completely unceremoniously to adults. You see, in our culture there is very little mutual respect, and such a thing as dignity is generally forgotten. Dignity, nobility, delicacy, simple Christian truths: do with others the way you want to do with you. All this is not vaccinated in our society.
Is it necessary in childhood to somehow fight with shyness? For example: the girl to perform at the concert in the evening, and in the morning she says that her stomach hurts. But then it turns out that she is just scared.
N. AND.: This is called psychosomatics: the child is not confident in his abilities, he is afraid that he cannot cope, and this applies to a certain level of anxiety, which is already characteristic of the child. In order to react correctly, parents must read books on child psychology. If we understand that in two years you can not feed fried potatoes, because it is harmful to his health, we know this not naturally, but because we read articles on healthy nutrition. It is also necessary to deal with his psychology, and for this you need to understand your psychology too. Moreover, psychology is not as obvious as physiology. If I get sick, then this is obvious to everyone. If I begin to get sick psychologically, then it turns out that I will say ten times that
my stomach hurts. And some other mother will call the doctor, and the daughter will continue to be so: no difficult situation is solved, but covering with pain in the abdomen. Go into illness from a collision with real life.
Recently, the attitude towards children swayed like a pendulum: Previously, the child was a second -grade being, but now it has become an object of cult. The result is controversial.
N. AND.: You know, for example, in the age of four, the child should be uncomfortable and in a sense naughty. He must be curious, asking questions, somewhere climbing all the time. But whether it is obedient or not – it already depends on the wisdom and education of the parents, because there is a simple psychological rule: the child is always “yes”, and sometimes “no” behavior is “no”. The child should feel that he is loved as such, a priori. And as it is customary: “You behave well – I love you, you behave badly – I do not love you”. Of course, I do not say these words, but I demonstrate it: I do not look into my eyes, I ignore, I am silent, I do not communicate. The child perceives this as rejection, as if they are not loved for something-and this is a gross violation of the basics of education. The child should live in the absolute atmosphere of unconditional love.
Another question is when he ours, he needs to be warm, but firmly say: “You know, I love you very much, but you can’t behave like that”. Express a categorical disagreement with this behavior. At a certain moment, the parent must demonstrate that in this tone he does not talk and does not intend to discuss such issues. And stand on this to the end, because you very often see how the parents are quick reacting, and then after five minutes they fade. You can’t come up worse if the parents are inconsistent if they are shaking from one edge to another. And you are absolutely right about the roll of society in the other direction: “We were not allowed anything, and now we will arrange real freedom to our children”. As a result, we do not teach children respect, we do not teach children that another person has their own personal boundaries that need to be seen and appreciated.